what do i have to show for it?

ahh, Guitar Hero. where anyone can "rock the casbah." or is it lick the cat box? i'm not quite sure. for Christmas Lauren's brother, Stephen, received Guitar Hero II. when the gift giving was finished Guitar Hero was broken out of it's box and plugged in. there were a few of us there who had played a few times, but most hadn't. it was fun to watch people grab the guitar and rock out. one of my favorite moments was watching Lauren's dad, Terry, play an Anthrax song. if you knew Lauren's dad, this would make you giggle a little, too.

as we were playing, i was reminded of something i had read a month ago. i don't remember the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of "[my] generation being an experiential generation." the author gave some reasons for their statement, most having to do with technology. for example, we now have the ability to travel to the top of Everest via an IMAX theater. while the majority of the population couldn't make the trek, we have the desire to see what it is like. so, we have sent camera crews up the summit to document everything. HD T.V.'s (is that really how you write that?) are designed and marketed to give us a "life-like" viewing experience. have you seen the commercial that shows a family sitting in their living room watching a golf match on their TV? the golfer hits a ball into the deep rough and then starts to look for it. the golfer and the caddy can't find the ball, but the people in the living room can and they are yelling and pointing to the ball, that they can see because their TV is so life like-perhaps, better than life.

video games are becoming more and more life-like. the graphics are getting better and better. game play is becoming more and more realistic. Tony Hawk's Project 8 just came out. I played the demo at Best Buy last week. it was really sweet. the movement of the characters is incredible. i noticed the placement of the feet on the board was different for different skaters. no longer is there one skater with different skins to make the different skaters. the skaters carry their own personalities. i'm sure this is true with many of the games coming out now, but i noticed this in this game because i skate. during the bails, in particular, i can relate to the feeling of falling as they do in the game. the bails are getting more realistic- some of the ways that the characters bail are ways that i have bailed myself. last week i played the Nintendo Wii for the first time. if you haven't played it yet, you should. they put a gyro in the remote and a sensor bar that works with the remote via Bluetooth (i think). the gyro makes the remote motion sensitive, so if you move right the character will respond in a similar way.

here's the rub:
when i play Tony Hawk games it make me want to go out and skate. but when i do, i suck. the tricks that i can do in real life are utterly boring compared to what i can do in the game. when i played the bowling game for the Wii, i bowled a strike my first time playing the game. i bowled better, in the three frames i played, than i usually do in a whole game. i could probably bowl a 300 game on the Wii, but go to a bowling alley and bowl a 40. i can rock out on Guitar Hero and play Free Bird, but when it comes to actually playing that song i'm awful.

going back to the quote i mentioned earlier: [my] generation being an experiential generation. as i've thought about this quote i think i might disagree, to a point. dictionary.com defines 'experiential' as "pertaining to or derived from experience." and it defines 'experience' as a "particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something." with the direction technology has been taking things i think we are not becoming a "experiential generation," but rather some sort of "pseudo-experiential generation." our pseudo-experiences are only as good as long as the power button is on. when the power goes off i have nothing to show for my experiences-except maybe a few calloused thumbs.

i wonder if this is cultivating a shallow generation? if my experiences are limited to video games and movies are they really my experiences? what do you think?

new thoughts. it's about time.

i've had a number of thoughts swelling in my mind lately. here's a few. i'll probably make these into a few posts.
last week there was a lot of snow out here. i spent 3 days, gladly stuck at Lauren's house with her and her family. we were stuck under 34 inches of beautiful snow. we watched a few movies. ate some food. general frivolity.


here's a thought on love.

i think, as i find myself in love with Lauren, my view of life is altered. love has done this for me. i see things and translate things different because of love.
here's the example i've noticed:
Lauren and i enjoy watching movies together. there have been many times, as we watch together, that we squeeze each others hands or turning to each other because we are watching something that seems to be a part of who we are. people acting with characteristics that seem to mirror characteristics of our life and love. it seems as if we become more aware of what we are watching, more familiar with what is around us.
i don't know that i am explaining this well. am i? let me try this. Todd gave us a beautiful statue of two greek gods (i'm sorry if i'm not getting this right, Todd). that statue is of a man sitting on rock with his love leaning against his body. the woman has her head tilted back and the man is leading his head forward to kiss the womans forehead. when Lauren and i saw this we both noticed the placement of the kiss. we both love the statue, but it seemed to have special meaning because the statue is centered around a kiss to a forehead. when i look at the statue i am reminded of my love for Lauren.
am i crazy or does anyone else know what i'm talking about?

i have been busy.

i haven't been blogging as often as i would like to.

i have been consumed with the realization that i'm loosing my job and getting married in the same month.

i have been struggling with a passion to be involve in ministry as a career, but knowing that as things stand right now that passion comes in conflict with the people whom i care about. is there a way to do both?

i have been realizing how little i actually pray. i pray quite a bit, but most of the prayers are about me and the specific situation i'm currently in. i want to devote more time to praying for other people. i want to devote more time to petitioning for other people.


i have been learning how to love Lauren better. i've been learning, unfortunately i haven't always been doing it.

i have been missing people from my past. Kris, Matt, Donnie. i miss having you around to talk with. i miss sharing life face to face.

i have been waiting in anticipation for GOD's salvation. Lord let your glory fall.

i have become more excited to see what GOD is doing with Satellite.

i have grown more and more in love with Lauren. i feel increasingly blessed for her comfort. i love the questions she asks and the answers she has. i love to watch her care for people.

quick update:

i brought Chipotle to the meeting.
it was good, but i guess i didn't need it.

no one asked if i was doing ok.

it's pouring now.

you're all familiar with the phrase, "when it rains, it pours" right? well, it's officially pouring. here's a quick rundown of the last 6 days.

Thursday:
i met with my boss at church to find out that because of the current financial situation , the church council decided that it was going to cut financial support to Satellite. yes, this includes my job. yes, this is the second time in two years that the church has cut the ministries that are geared toward college students/young adults. after finding this out i headed out to my car to drive off to another meeting. i got in my car, turned the key and nothing happened. during the two weeks leading up to last thursday i had a new radiator and water pump installed in my car. because of all the work being done i have been with out a car for most of the two weeks. at this point i've become used to walking, so i left my car and walked a few blocks to the place that i had my next meeting. i decided to leave my car where it stalled and come back for it some other time.
Friday:
friday wasn't a very good day. i was still reeling from knowing what was going on with my job and the people who are involved in Satellite. i still felt like i had been kicked in the gut. i wanted to tell everyone the news at the same time. so later in the evening i made phone calls to people to invite them over to my house to tell them the news before they heard about it in Sunday. these were some of the hardest phone calls i've had to make. i needed to be vague. i hoped that the calls would go to voice mail. it was so hard talking to people and not being able to tell them what was going on. i was able to talk to Lauren about it. that was a huge help, but even when i wanted to form words and put sentences together silence was all i had. her greatest comfort to me was her presence. i still had no answers to what was going on. i was still angry at the council's decision.
Saturday:
i called a mechanic about my car. they weren't open on the weekend, so i had to wait until Monday to talk to them. Saturday night people came over to talk. as people came in the house i could see the concern on their faces. it was so hard. my senior pastor was there to explain things. this was a big help. he needed to tell them. he shared what was going on and fielded some question for a few hours, and then left us to talk alone. there were a few obvious feelings from people: frustration, hurt, hope. the first two i expected. the third i didn't expect to hit for a few days. people were at my house for over 4 hours.
Sunday:
it was so hard to go to church. i felt betrayed. not only was there the regular church service, but we had an annual business meeting after the service. it was at this meeting that the council was going to tell the congregation about it's decision to cut funding to Satellite and the other things that needed to be cut. i knew i needed to be there. it was helpful to have Lauren, Krista, and Whitney there too. i was surprised at the vocal support that Satellite received from the congregation. but in the end the vote to accept the budget passed, deciding that Satellite would loose funding in March. it was frustrating to hear someone talk about my generation as "the generation that's leaving the church the quickest." (my comment wanted to be about how my generation isn't leaving the church, we're going to find the church) The comment makes sense because churches are choosing to cut funding to ministries geared toward the "kids" who are "leaving the church the quickest." it seems obvious to me, i must be missing something. there was a lady who made a comment about how the church isn't kicking Satellite out they just don't have a budget anymore. Satellite can still use the building and resources and stuff. bull shit.
Monday:
i dropped my car off at the mechanic. he said he would look at it and give me a call tomorrow. i spent a good portion of the day wavering back and forth on whether Satellite should stay with the church or try and be "church" on our own.
Today:
i found out my car is going to cost $1175 to fix the blown head gaskets. and i've got to go sit in a staff meeting today. i think i'm going to eat during the staff meeting. i'll just take a big bite of food when i think someone is going to ask me a question like, "how are you doing with all of this."

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
LORD blessed be your name.

the deafening sound of silence...

for those of you who have seen The Fountain you might have a visual of the situation.

do you remember the scene when Hugh's character was walking down the street? the only sound was the sound of his footsteps crunching snow on the sidewalk. he was deaf to the rest of the world. finally, he was shocked back to reality as a car horn honked as it nearly ran him over. when i saw that scene i really liked it. i really enjoyed the visual and audible effect. i had a moment like that today.

i had just finished a very serious meeting. i walked out to my car to head to another meeting. as i turned the key to my car nothing happened. my car wouldn't start. my next meeting was 4 blocks away, so i started to walk. as i walked down the sidewalk of a very busy street i heard nothing but my footsteps. my mind was blank--numb. the world around me seemed to disappear.

the silence
i experienced
during that
walk was painful.

there wasn't a point when i was shaken back to reality for me.
it was more of a gradual thing.

but that
time of silence
was deafening.

World AIDS Day

[info from worldaidsday.com]
1981 had the first documented case of AIDS (then referred to as GRID). "Around forty million people are living with HIV throughout the world - and that number increases in every region every day. In the UK alone, more than 60,000 people are living with HIV and more than 7,000 more are diagnosed every year. Ignorance and prejudice are fueling the spread of a preventable disease."

if you've spent much time online today i imagine that you've seen something or another about (red). it's something Bono helped get started. you buy things from companies who are (red) companies and part of the money they make from your purchase goes to buying medicine that can help people with AIDS. i think this is a great idea. i like this idea because it plays on the consumerist nature of our culture. it's like saying, "all you have to do is keep spending money and you can help people." this is the type of cause that the US can get behind. it takes no commitment, other than having a red phone or t-shirt, and it's a really easy way to feel good about helping other people. "i really want to help people, so i bought a t-shirt. now whenever i wear it i'll remind myself how i helped someone else. i'm such a good person."

i realize that i might come across as annoyed, but that's cause i am. why is it that we need to receive something in return to help someone else. i often find myself saying that it's not about what i'm getting in return, it's about helping a particular person or cause. but when i get stopped by the waist-high cub scout, standing in front of King Soopers nervously asking people to buy popcorn for $15 a box instead of buying the same amount of popcorn for a fifth of the price inside, why don't i just hand him the money and tell him to keep the popcorn? instead i take my box of popcorn home with me and complain about how the popcorn wasn't even worth $15.
i get the feeling that (red) is playing off this psychology. for some reason, people wont give money to people in need unless they get something in return. shame on me. me, who believes that all i have is a gift from GOD. me, who says he trusts that GOD will provide all i need. how did i get here?

for the whole of my life AIDS has been a part of the world. i want to be a part of helping AIDS loose the devastating power it has had over the world for the last 25 years. i want to do something. but i want to do more than buy a GAP t-shirt. i want to be with people. i want my life to touch theirs. how do i do this with where i'm at in life right now. is there anything i can do beyond buying stuff? what do you think?