for most of the day my mind has been racing. thoughts fly through my head faster than i'm able to capture them. yet in sharp contrast, there have been moments when my mind has seemingly stood still, unable to create even a simple thought. i came to the conclusion that if i make a few notes for myself i might be able to come back to a few bloggable thoughts.
- i still have thoughts and questions about the struggling with what the law represents to believers today. as i read through the new testament and find writers urging people to not be bound by the law, how do i translate that into my life today? i have never been bound by the law that was established for the Jewish nation. should this be a symbol for something in my life?
- i have been having a really rough day today. i couldn't put words to why it was that i was feeling the way i was. this was especially hard as my fiancé was trying to help but couldn't do anything for me because i didn't know what i needed. late in the morning i laid back down to attempt a nap, but was still very restless. as i laid there a thought came to mind that could give me reason for feeling the way i had been. GOD wasn't speaking to me. It made sense to me. i had awoke twice during the night, last night, and ask GOD what he wanted. this has become a common practice for me. if i wake up in the middle of the night i ask GOD why he's waking me up, and he brings to mind people to pray for or sins to confess. but last night was different. i was woken up twice and received no response from GOD. and to top it off, i spent yesterday starting preparation for the next 2 months of messages for Satellite, and as i look back on my day it seems as though GOD wasn't speaking to me then either. i still don't feel as if GOD has started speaking to me again. what am i suppose to do? do i continue to prepare for a message this week and the weeks to come without hearing GOD's voice?
- it's been increasingly hard to feel like the people closest to me in proximity are not those closest to me emotionally. maybe i can put this in a different way. i've been struggling with the position as a coordinator (or pastor or overseer or whatever) within regards to how close i let myself get to people. i want to be available for people to talk with and share my life with them, but is that appropriate? should i allow myself to open up to everyone in the Satellite community when so much of my life is wrapped up in "church stuff?" i feel like there are so many times when i want to expose the struggles i'm going through but i don't because i don't think it's necessary for people to know all of what's going on. this is one of my biggest frustrations as i'm learning what it means to be "on staff," in a pastoral role, for a church. there is community forming all around me, and i'm blessed to see it happen, but there is a longing within me to be apart of it. should i look for community outside of the church i work at as a way to balance all of this?
i'll leave this list at three things; though there are probably three more. i'd love some suggestions on which of this to try to tackle first. maybe this weekend i'll sit and write.
if you pray, please pray for me. these last two things weigh very heavy on my heart.
"keep me in your pocket if you have one,
keep me in your heart if you have no pocket."
-Thomas Merton
3 comments:
i'm going to comment on the question of emotional closeness to those you are "shepherding."... i would challenge you to ask yourself about church leaders that you have respected throughout your life? i find that i respect pastors that admit to having issues that need to be dealt with. i never saw my mentor as any less of a woman because she exposed her difficulties. on the other hand, i don't think it's the pastor's place to unload on every person who comes to ask for prayer. there is obviously an appropriateness of time.
and even if the traditional "pastor" keeps a distance from his congregation, you don't need to limit yourself to tradition. if you desire a community in which the pastor is not on a pedestal, i think you should feel free to share the truth as opportunity comes. your honesty is one of the things i love most about you.
i wish i were "caught up" enough to "discuss" the big stuff with you. sometimes my lack of having been "in the culture" is a blessing and sometimes it holds me back. coffee was great last week, though, so anytime you're up for doing that again you can just let me know.
coffee again would be great.
i'm excited about tuesday nights with you. that should give us a platform to "'discuss' the big stuff."
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